Someone random had been emailing me about the poems/song lyrics I had written, but I was ignoring them because I felt like they were just wanting to scam me, pretending to be someone who knew BTS. Finally, after three days of persistent emails, I caved and responded, asking them to just be honest because I did not have time for any shenanigans. They wrote back and said their name was Yeon Kimin, which automatically tipped me off and I laughed so hard while writing back- there’s no way anyone’s real name could be that! I asked what they wanted me to call them, they said Kimchi, which was also hilarious, but I didn’t care- I still did not believe it was legit, so sure, I would play the game for a while.

Another fifteen emails back and forth and I had almost lost my mind- it was so annoying! I finally sent my phone number, said call me right now, then promised to treat them like a normal person if we could stop emailing. I answered my phone, heard silence, then said, “Kimchi, if you do not speak right now, I am done pretending to have conversations with you!” I heard laughter, then a calm voice replied, “Ok, ok, I am here. I am Kimchi. Don’t be mad.” I laughed and asked, “Why did you want to talk to me anyway? I’m just a writer, you know that, right?” He whispered something, then replied, “Actually, I have an idea, but you might not like it. Did you see the parts I highlighted and sent to you?” I had the emails opened, so I quickly scanned them for the one he was talking about.

“Yes, Kimchi, I found it. Now what should I do?” I responded. He answered, “I want to play you a track, then I need you to try reading that specific part, like a rapper, during the music I play, ok?” I immediately argued, “No way! I am a writer! I do not sing! I do not rap! There’s no way I’m trying that!” He laughed, then said calmly, “Please, can you just try it for me? It’s just me, so don’t worry about being embarrassed. I am only going to ask once, so can you please try for me? I know what I want it to sound like in my head, but I need your voice to see if it makes sense.” I sighed, knowing he would win this argument, since he was very sweet and convincing. I asked him to play the track, so I could listen first, then I muted myself and read the lines he wanted, practicing for myself and making sure I got all the words right, with the right pauses and ending sounds- nobody wants to sound terrible when singing/rapping for BTS, even while they are pretending to be someone else.

When the music ended, I unmuted and asked him to play it again, then count me in, so I could start when he wanted. I did not mute myself this time, just repeated the exact same thing I had done right before, adding a bit more emotion and passion to the lyrics, then stopped when the music ended. Silence. I waited a full ten seconds before panicking and asking, “Kimchi? Are you mad? Was it that terrible?” Silence again. I could feel my heart racing, my head instantly thinking of all the worst ways this could go, wishing I could somehow disappear into nothingness…

“Woah. I didn’t expect that from you. Are you sure you aren’t a rapper?” I froze, not recognizing the second voice, then responded, “Kimchi, you promised it was just you listening, but there is definitely someone else with you. Are you trying to make me hang up this phone call?!” I heard whispers and laughter, then Kimchi replied “Ok, please don’t be mad. It’s just NamJoon. He wanted to listen once he heard my idea, but I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would not agree. I needed a second opinion to see if my suspicions were right and I’m glad I trusted myself because I was right. You can rap and I did like your voice with the track I made.” I took a deep breath, then said, “I won’t be mad this time, but seriously, you need to warn me if you want others to listen because I will be super nervous if I know!” Kimchi replied, “That’s why I couldn’t tell you!”

“I meant what I said, so don’t worry about being nervous. You have talent. You can call me Joon if you want,” said the other voice. “So now what? Can we pretend this never happened?” I asked, worried about them spreading the recording around without my knowledge or consent. Both of them laughed, then Joon replied, “Actually, we want to do an artist collab with you, so you can work on the album with us. We would need to record with you, in person, then work on a music video of course, and give you credit when the album comes out, so it could be a long process and you will need to meet the other members as well, since they’ll be filling in the rest of the vocals.”

I muted myself for a second, took several deep breaths, trying to stop the panic attack I felt coming on, then drank some water and focused on the positive things he had said. “I appreciate the offer, but you know I can’t do most of those things with you, right? Kimchi, did you not show him anything?” Immediate whispering occurred, clearly Joon had no clue what I was talking about, whereas Kimchi had been fully aware of my limitations from day one- I had written him in the first email about the restrictions I had currently.

“He is refusing to tell me, so can you please explain,” Joon replied. I quickly answered, “First, I cannot ever appear in any videos or photos either by myself or with you guys. Second, I cannot just travel randomly to work with you guys right now. Third, you guys definitely should not work with me other than using my written lyrics. Finally, you definitely should not meet with me in person because I don’t think your record company would approve.” Joon was confused, which I could tell because he was whispering to Kimchi again, then sighing in frustration, so I suggested, “Kimchi, can you please just show him the website? I think it’s fair that Joon see the truth, since you decided he should be a part of this process. Can we at least agree on that?”

“Yes, you are right. I do not see the problem though, since we could find ways around all the issues you think are so major,” Kimchi replied. I heard typing, then assumed Joon was seeing my website, under my false name, where I post my lyrics and short stories, including fan fics about them, amongst other topics. Kimchi was explaining how he found me, a random search for BTS had pulled up my website, he read the lyrics and had emailed me right away, not bothering to even read anything else. Joon was making surprised gasping noises, like he was seeing how much content I had posted, but that wasn’t the part I was worried about. “Kimchi, now show him what I sent you. He won’t understand why I’m so cautious until you do,” I said. Kimchi opened the emails we had been sending back and forth, so Joon could see the screen shots I had sent, showing how my website, still with my fake name, was going viral amongst the ARMY fan sites, everyone wanting to know who I was, where I lived, etc. I had started off with just a few emails, but was now receiving thousands per day, way more than I could ever keep up with, which was why I had mostly ignored Kimchi’s first attempts.

“I’m sure you can understand my concerns now Joon and I’m sorry Kimchi didn’t show you or tell you the truth right away. I cannot ever be seen or appear in public, or my identity would be compromised, and my private life would not be safe anymore. I am a teacher, so I need to protect my students, as well as my family, for as long as possible,” I told him, assuming he would agree and stop this nonsense before it went on any longer. I was wrong. “Actually, I think there are many ways we can still collab with you but keep you a secret. We have worked with many artists in the past, but if you want to remain hidden, I think there are ways to do it,” Joon replied, completely shocking me. I let out an exasperated sigh, both of them laughing in response, then Kimchi asked, “Does that mean you say yes?”

“Fine, I will agree to try to work with you, but I am very concerned about someone seeing us together and I want to know how you are going to prevent that,” I responded. They spoke to each other, completely ignoring me, so I muted myself and got up, walked around the room, took some deep breaths, and came back to the phone when Kimchi offered, “What if we promise to only work at the studio, but never with all of us at the same time, so nobody can get suspicious and follow us?” I did not think that would work, but at least he was trying, so I answered, “That might work, but there’s one major problem- you guys know I can’t just leave and travel suddenly, since school is in session and I have to teach. So how will we record if I am stuck here and you are stuck there?”

“Easy- we will travel to you, record on the weekends, then let you do your job during the week,” Joon quickly replied, not even hesitating. I was mad because I really wanted them to give up, say it wasn’t worth it, too much trouble, etc. Guess I was out of luck on that front. “Can we try that?” Kimchi asked. I sighed and said, “Yes, I could try that. But I don’t think you guys understand how crazy people are about following you and how worried I am about being caught and analyzed just for being near you. I do not want to be famous or be in the spotlight or have anything to do with that life at all. I will trust you one time, but if things get creepy, the deal is off, ok?” “That is fair, and we accept. We will do our best and I think we can be sneaky if we really try, especially since we won’t have the other members with us at first. It’s much easier for us to fly without being noticed when it’s just the two of us,” Kimchi replied, giving me a small sense of security.

We figured out the best time, the coming weekend, three days away, then arranged for them to fly up on Friday, where I would travel to the studio and meet them after school. We could spend Saturday and Sunday working, then they would fly back Sunday night, while I would get back into teacher-mode for the coming week. It wasn’t perfect, but I was willing to try, since working with them was a pretty big, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I was nervous about meeting them in person, but also excited because life is too short to ignore small miracles when they appear. Luckily, they handled the studio side of things, since I am out of touch with the music world, having never recorded anything musical in my life.

Kimchi sent me the address, then asked what time I would be arriving on Friday, so I mapped it and saw it was super close- only 20 minutes away. I sent him a reply text saying I would be there by 5pm, since I needed to go home after school, walk and feed my little doggie, then I could drive over. He accepted and kept randomly asking me things before Friday, like if I had written anything new, what foods I liked, what colors I liked, etc. I would answer in between teacher meetings, since school hadn’t officially started yet for students, so I wasn’t completely paying attention, or I would have been suspicious.

Friday came and once I was done at 3:30pm, I drove home to take care of my little doggie and give her some love. My brother was coming over to visit, so I knew she wouldn’t be lonely while I was gone. I changed into something less professional looking and put my wild hair into ponytail, hoping it would be ok for a first meeting. Sigh. I left for the recording studio and arrived around 4:30pm, parked right outside, and cautiously opened the door to enter. I kicked off my shoes, seeing a pile by the door already, then closed the door behind me and slowly walked down the hallway. There was a huge room straight ahead, with a couch, a massive area full of controls/buttons, then two empty smaller rooms off the back wall, but nobody was anywhere I looked. I placed my backpack and water bottle down on the couch, then saw another hallway to the left, so I followed it until I found an empty dance room, with mirrors on three walls. Again, nobody was inside, but I was super curious about the music I heard quietly playing from the speakers, so I tiptoed across the room, then jumped about a foot when someone said, “I can turn it up for you if you want.”

I spun around and saw a guy smiling from his wheelchair, dressed like a dancer in a bright red tracksuit, then smiled back and replied, “Yes please! Hi, I’m Emmi. I think you are expecting me?” He laughed, then nodded and said, “Yes, I have heard about you. I am Devon and this is my studio.” He hit a few buttons on the iPad he carried on his lap and the music got way louder, which was awesome because it was a song I happened to love, one of the songs from KPop Demon Hunters, so he laughed when I started dancing around randomly, being silly, pretending to perform the song, having watched the movie a million times already. Devon also joined in, jamming and spinning around me, grabbing my hands to twirl around, and we were having such a fun time we didn’t even notice anyone else had entered the room until the song ended and I accidentally tripped on my pants, falling, but never hit the floor because someone tall caught me. I looked up and saw who it was, then threw my arms around his neck and exclaimed, “Kimchi! I am so happy to see you! We are going to be best friends!” He carefully hugged me back, then laughed. I let go and looked next to him, where Joon was standing, then did the same thing without even thinking, just threw my arms around his neck and exclaimed, “Hi Joon! I am so excited to meet you too!” He hugged me back, then let go quickly, just like Kimchi.

They all laughed at me for a few seconds, then Kimchi said, “You are exactly the way I expected you would be. I am not surprised at how happy you are in person.” I smiled and made a cute face at him, then winked, and said, “I am happy because I have friends like you guys!” Devon had paused the music, so we could hear each other, and now their laughter echoed across the whole studio, which made me giggle and soon all you could hear was laughter. “Let’s go to the sound studio and see what we can get done today,” Kimchi said, calming me down, and reminding me why I was even there. I waited for them to walk ahead of me, so I could follow, then Devon said he was staying in the dance studio because a group practice was about to start, so I just followed Joon and Kimchi back out to the main room. Turns out, there was another back entrance for the dance studio, so they wouldn’t disturb anyone who was sound recording, which I hadn’t even seen.

Kimchi sat in one of the rolling office chairs by the sound board, while I stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what I was supposed to do, or where he wanted me to go, which Joon noticed and pointed to another one of the rolling chairs, so I sat next to Kimchi, then Joon sat next to me, so we formed a triangle. Kimchi, who was actually Yoongi but insisted I continue calling him Kimchi because he thought it was funny, asked if I had brought my notebook with my new lyrics, which I had, so I stood up to grab it, not realizing how quick the chair would roll away once I stood up, so it knocked me off balance and this time I did hit the floor because neither one could catch me in time. I checked for injuries, but didn’t see any right away, so I got up carefully and continued over to my backpack, then returned with my notebook, cautiously holding the chair while I sat back down. I opened it to the pages he wanted, then handed it to Kimchi, so he could look it over.

It was silent while he read my words, me afraid to even move in the chair the wrong way, him totally focused, and Joon waiting for his turn to read, I guess. Kimchi looked up, then said, “I think we can use some of these today actually. You have a lot of emotions to express that we don’t understand because we can’t experience the world as a girl, like you can, and it gives us great song material.” I shrugged my shoulders, then replied, “If you say so. I will trust you because you have the experience I do not.” Kimchi handed the notebook to Joon, who began reading the pages I had opened to, while Kimchi pushed some buttons on the giant control panel in front of him.

He asked if I wanted to hear one of the tracks he had made that week, so I nodded and listened as the music began playing, this time it was more upbeat and peppy, like a stereotypical K-Pop song might sound, which surprised me, but when it was done, he could see my confusion and explained, “We want to have many types of music on this new album, for when we perform live in concert, so all ARMY and fans can have something to enjoy, even if they like or don’t like a specific genre. Also, it’s best to mix up the songs for our dances, so we can get breaks in between the hard choreography and ones that are less challenging.”

“That makes sense,” I responded, then continued, “So do you think there are any good parts of what I wrote that might fit with the music you have in mind?” He smiled, then pointed to the notebook Joon still had and replied, “Yes, I want to blend some of them together, which will turn a good song into a great one, with lots of options for our vocal line, since we want to give them a chance to have the spotlight as well.” I nodded, then asked, “Is that why you are working so hard on the music tracks first, then filling in the lyrics when you find songs that fit with your visions?” He nodded, then told me, “I am surprised you picked up on that so quickly. I think you have hidden talents that even you do not know about.” I covered my face, now embarrassed by his compliment, and turned to face Joon instead, hiding from Kimchi for the moment.

When I was facing Joon, he looked confused, so I asked, “Joon, are you ok?” He nodded, frowned, then asked, “Are all these pages your song lyrics? Some of them seem kind of long for songs or poems…” I froze, immediately realizing what had happened, and quickly took the notebook from his hands, flipping it closed and turning back to face Kimchi, who was laughing at my now bright-red blushing face. He already knew what was written amongst the lyrics, but obviously hadn’t told Joon, or warned him about what else he would find. I was mortified, but knew I had to explain and calm down, so I looked at Kimchi, took some deep breaths, then accepted his hand when he offered it, seeing how much distress I was in, not wanting me to have a panic attack right then.

He squeezed my hand several times, which helped me calm down and focus on just him, a friend, someone who wanted the best for me, someone who believed in me, and someone who really wanted to help me get calmed down again. It worked and within a few minutes I was able to turn back to face Joon and explain, “Joon, I realize you don’t know what else I write, so it’s not your fault you got surprised. I don’t just write lyrics and poems; I also write fan fics that are from my wild imagination and therefore completely fictional. You probably saw my latest ideas, which may or may not have been confusing, since BTS is in a lot of them because you guys are so easy to write about. I am sorry if I upset you.”

He nodded, then replied, “I was surprised, but now that you have explained it, I understand why you would not want others to see your notes until you are ready to publish them online for your readers. Your ideas are excellent though, very powerful, so please don’t stop using your amazing imagination. I felt like I was in the story I read, even though I was sitting right here. Your descriptions are so realistic and genuine, I think I need to read the rest of your stories later.” I thought he was joking, then I saw how deliberate he was when he smiled right at me, but all I could do was blink and stare back at him. How in the world do I keep getting myself into these incredibly embarrassing situations with no escape plan?

I handed the notebook back to Kimchi and we started working on editing the song he wanted, piecing bits of this one into pieces of that one, until he was satisfied with the end result, with Joon’s input, of course. I did not like the rolling chairs because I felt like I was going to fall out of them, so I had moved to the couch, sitting crisscross with my notebook on my lap, writing whatever Kimchi asked. Joon had decided to also join me on the couch, but I wasn’t paying attention because I was so focused on listening to Kimchi, so I didn’t notice how his leg was always next to mine, or my arm somehow always bumped into his, or when his hand accidentally touched my arm or leg or hand or shoulder or cheek or hair, etc. Finally, after two hours, we had a solid song written, with each part labeled and the chorus mapped out, so all they had to do was record the vocals, which would happen later, since only the two of them were here. I did get to see Joon record his part with Kimchi and I was obviously impressed, but Kimchi was extremely picky, so he made them redo it several times, which made me nervous, since he said he wanted to record my part from the other song tonight as well, so they could start fresh the next day and keep moving forward.

I had snuck to the bathroom and watched the dance practice while they were busy- it looked super fun, but then it ended, so I had to return to the sound studio. When I returned, Kimchi was focused on the sound board, so I sat with Joon on the couch, just watching Kimchi work in silence, but answering Joon whenever he asked me something quietly. I soon got bored and started doodling in my notebook, which Joon found amusing, but didn’t say anything at the time.

It was now close to 8pm, Kimchi still hadn’t given me any directions, I was super tired from my meetings all day, we hadn’t had dinner, and I was honestly struggling. I first started leaning on the back of the couch, then my head got heavy and I eventually ended up leaning on Joon’s shoulder, while attempting to keep my eyes open and continue my doodling, but gave up and the only way Joon knew I had fallen asleep was when I dropped my pen and my hand fell into his lap, making him laugh carefully and call over to Kimchi, who was startled, forgetting he wasn’t alone, then confirmed I was, indeed, asleep. Neither one knew what to do, since they were used to staying up late and hadn’t anticipated me falling asleep at all. Luckily, Devon came speeding out a few minutes later, saw me asleep, and laughed, then told the guys how I had snuck into the dance practice to watch.

He asked if they needed me for anything else, but they had been so focused on their own parts that I had never even crossed their minds, which they realized now was a mistake, as I clearly was going to require their attention from now on. Devon suggested waking me up, then making sure I drove home safely, and just start fresh in the morning, but Kimchi didn’t want to give up just yet and Joon didn’t want to move- he secretly liked having me next to him. Kimchi decided they should at least get some food and wake me up to feed me, so Devon handled that- he knew all the good places nearby that could deliver the food they wanted. It was another hour before they had food and Joon woke me up, so when I opened my sleepy eyes, I was very confused about what was happening. He smiled, then whispered, “Sorry to wake you Emmi, but we need to feed you some dinner and then make sure you are safe to drive home. You are cute when you sleep.”

I could not comprehend what he said, so I just blinked up at him, then let him pull me up and help me walk down the hall to a dining area I had completely missed earlier. He sat me at the table, where I immediately lay my head down, still half asleep, which they all three laughed about. Kimchi wanted me to choose the food I ate, but Joon and Devon knew I wouldn’t care, so they just put random bits and pieces on a plate, then set it in front of me, placing a spoon in my hand, my eyes closed again. With some prompting and lots of encouragement, I woke up enough to eat a few bites, but I honestly could not tell you what I ate or what it tasted like. After they were satisfied with the bites I had taken, I leaned on Joon’s shoulder again, and this time they didn’t wake me. After they had finished, having a loud conversation full of laughter and good times, Kimchi and Devon cleaned up, while Joon just sat with me, gently holding my hand and rubbing my fingers, attempting to wake me up enough to get back to the sound studio.

When he realized it was not going to be successful, he simply knelt down in front of me and had Kimchi force me to lean on his back, then he piggy-backed me to the couch and gently set me down once more. I flopped over instantly, then curled up and tried to get comfy, which is when Joon noticed I was shivering, and my teeth were chattering. He chuckled to himself, then quickly grabbed his hoodie and helped me wear it, me being rather unhelpful in the moment. Once I had it on, I reached for his hand and held it, then sighed, perfectly content and happy to sleep, now that I was warm and cozy.

Joon had a dilemma now- he was trapped because I was holding his hand, so he really wanted to just stay put, but he also wanted to see if Kimchi wanted to keep working, so instead, he turned his body and asked, “Yoongi, do you need me for anything over there, or can I help from over here? She’s got my hand, and I don’t want to let go.” Kimchi (Yoongi) laughed and asked if that’s how things were going to go from now on, since he had noticed Joon’s attraction to me right away, and began teasing him about it now that I was asleep and couldn’t hear. Joon did not deny anything Kimchi said. Joon mostly worried about how to tell me, but Kimchi had ideas about that as well, so instead of teasing him, he started helping him plan things to show how he cared for me.

They let me sleep until 10:30pm, then they knew it was time for them to return to their hotel room and for me to go home, so they woke me up, forced me to talk to them for about fifteen minutes, then made sure I was safe enough to drive home before reminding me to return again the next morning at 9am for more work. I was going to bring my little doggie this time, since they said we would need about twelve hours of work time and that was too long for her to be alone. Joon walked me to my car, made sure I was buckled, then leaned down to kiss the top of my head before he closed the door. I did not even acknowledge this- that’s how sleepy I was. When I got home safely, I sent Joon a text letting him know, since he had requested I text him also, instead of always going through Kimchi.

The next morning, I packed up my little doggie, including her blankets, soft bed, and dinner supplies, then drove back to the studio, with Joon’s hoodie, feeling much more alert than the night before. Once I arrived, I got her out and carried all her belongings inside, dropping her bed and blankets on the couch, along with Joon’s hoodie, then heading to the kitchen to put her food inside the fridge. I carry her everywhere because she’s so small, so when I heard someone calling my name, I turned around and shouted, “I’m in the kitchen with my little doggie. I’ll be right there.” I heard laughter, then a few seconds later Kimchi appeared, smiling and making cute noises for my little doggie. She is literally afraid of everything and everyone, so to help her get over her fears, I handed her to Kimchi, who held her gently and once she realized he was friendly, she stuck her tongue out, signaling that she was happy and content.

I laughed and Kimchi said I should take a picture, but I wasn’t sure if that was allowed and he assured me that if he asked for it, that it was ok. He wanted me to send it to him, so I snapped the cutest pic and showed him, then sent him the text. He said when he saw it, he would smile, think of us, and remember the good times when he was having a rough day. I leaned my head on his shoulder and told him, “Kimchi, you have such a kind heart that you really do deserve the best in the world. Thank you for spending time with me and believing in me.” He leaned his head on mine and replied, “I am happy to help you because your talent is natural, not forced, and you also have a kind heart, so it makes it easy to like you and want to be around you. But I do not think of you in a romantic way, I hope you won’t be upset.” I laughed and looked him in the eye as I responded, “Ha ha, nope, I’m good. Kimchi, as amazing as you are, I love you like a brother and best friend, but nothing more. I want someone who is more suited for you to win your heart, if that makes sense.” He nodded, then started walking to the studio, still carrying my little doggie.

While she would have been content to be carried by him all day, I knew he needed to work, so I took her back, got her settled on the couch in her bed with her blankets, then sat next to her, since it was a new situation and she would be scared at first. Kimchi played something new, much calmer and more serious than I had heard yesterday, then explained he had been up late working after seeing some of the lyrics I had written- he wanted to include a song about feeling defeated, feeling like giving up, then having a breakthrough and succeeding in the end. I loved this, of course, and was just clapping excitedly when Joon appeared, then sat next to me on the couch, smiling at me and saying good morning. I smiled back, then pointed to my little doggie, all snuggled in her bed, saying I would have him hold her later, so she would trust him like Kimchi.

We worked on lyrics, changing words, adding this and that for a few hours, then it was lunch time and today, both Joon and Kimchi remembered that they needed to not ignore me, so they stopped at noon and asked if I was ready for food, which surprised me- I thought we would end up working all day without stopping. I picked up my little doggie, handed her to Joon, so she would learn to trust him, then grabbed her little bed and carried it out of the room, following Kimchi to the kitchen. Apparently, they had decided to use what they had learned about me yesterday to get a bunch of yummy foods ready for when I needed to eat and keep me happy today. I guess I had been talking more than I remembered, which was my own fault for being so sleepy, but I wasn’t mad. Kimchi explained that even though he’s terrible in the kitchen, Joon had helped, so I should be proud of his hard work.

I asked, “Joon is that true? Did you chop things just for me?” He nodded, then smiled and ran his hand through his hair, looking away, obviously embarrassed. I saw how cute the cucumbers were, cut into hearts and stars, which would have been incredibly difficult for Joon, so I took my little doggie, set her in her bed on the floor near me, then took his hand and squeezed it, letting him know how much I appreciated his hard work. He looked at me, then quickly looked away again, confusing me and making Kimchi laugh, so I ignored it for the time being. Kimchi set everything out, refusing to let me help, and then explained what they had made, which impressed me, so I promised to cook for them one day, when I had the time. We chatted and ate for a while, them watching me chomp on the veggies and fruits, happily trying everything on the table, until I was full and asked if I could help clean up and put things away. Joon refused to let me, with Kimchi backing him up, so I pouted and pretended to be upset while they cleared the table, making them laugh, but not give in to my fake tantrum.

It was now time for my little doggie to go outside for a potty break, so I got her leash and asked if it was ok for me to go out the back door to the grassy area, which they both said yes to, then Joon offered to go with me, but I was instantly afraid of him being outside, where someone might see. That’s when they both assured me the backyard was enclosed, with a covered area used for hosting events sometimes, so nobody could see into the huge parking/garden area, which relieved me. Joon opened the door, and I followed, letting my doggie go wherever she wanted to for the moment. Once she had gone potty, I told Joon to stand still, with his arms out in front of him, because I had found two things I wanted to show him. He obeyed and in one hand I placed a leaf with a tiny snail on it, in the other hand I placed a little rock shaped like a heart that I had found while walking around the garden area.

I stood in between his arms, then looked up at his face and started explaining why I had given him both items, going into great detail about the snail’s shell and how the rock was so cute, somehow shaped like a heart and why I wanted to give it to him. I realized after a few minutes that he was not listening to a single word I was saying, since he was just staring at me, so I asked if I did something wrong, then bit my lip and just blinked up at him, waiting for him to respond in some way. He clenched his jaw, then opened and closed his mouth, looking like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind, which I interpreted as him being mad at me, so I instantly felt tears form, much to my embarrassment. He saw this, took a deep breath, then handed me the snail and rock and ran inside without a word, leaving me standing there alone, completely confused and wondering what I had done wrong.

I gently put the snail back in the garden bed area, kept the rock, then led my little doggie back inside, making sure to close the door behind me. I walked slowly down the hallway, unhooked her leash and made she was comfy back in her bed on the couch again, then sat down next to her, completely overwhelmed and not sure how to continue. Kimchi noticed right away and came to sit next to me, saw my tears, and the rock, then asked me to explain. I tried to give him all the details but still could not figure out what I had done wrong to make Joon run away, since I was just trying to give him a tiny rock. Kimchi listened quietly, squeezing my hand, then offered, “Emmi, I think maybe you are confused because you assume you always make people mad. What if he ran away because of a different reason? What if it had nothing to do with anything negative at all?”

I considered what he said, then asked, “So you think Joon wasn’t mad? Then what could he possibly have been thinking about Kimchi? Did I do something good to make him run away?” Kimchi laughed and replied, “Emmi, I don’t know how to tell you this, but since you are my new best friend, I’m going to just give you the truth. Joon is attracted to you in a romantic way and perhaps that’s why he ran away. Maybe whatever you said or did was too much for him to handle in that moment and he needed to escape. You have to remember, we never get alone time with girls outside of our professional lives, so we really don’t know what to do.” I stared at him, completely perplexed, having never considered this option before, now worried about how I could stop anything from happening. Kimchi saw my internal struggle, then offered, “Be patient and give him a chance, ok? You might be surprised.”

I shook my head and immediately replied, “Kimchi, you know why I cannot be involved with anyone in your group. You know what would happen. You know how terrible things might turn out. How can I even think about risking your reputation for my selfish desire? That does not seem fair to the rest of you at all and you know I’ll never choose myself over you guys.” He sighed, then nodded, responding, “I know, you are a truly good person, so you’ll never put yourself first, but this time, I think you should. Please, consider it.” I leaned my forehead on his, then whispered, “Why do you have to be so smart Kimchi?” He laughed and whispered back, “I’m not, but I do want what’s best for others, so I guess that’s similar.”

That’s how Joon found us when he entered the room again, laughed, then asked, “What are you two plotting about without me?” We instantly sat up and looked around the room, avoiding his question and making random excuses, “Uh, nothing, just music, or lyrics, or dogs, or…” Kimchi mumbled, while I laughed and nodded every time he said something. I still had the rock in my hand, so I quickly shoved it in my pants pocket, hiding it for now. Joon sat in one of the rolling chairs, followed by Kimchi, leaving me with my little doggie on the couch, which I was actually thankful for. We rewrote and mixed up some other lyrics, Kimchi wanting to take parts from his own writing, plus Joon’s to add with mine and I was having so much fun I didn’t realize how much time had passed until it was already four, so I took my little doggie to the kitchen to feed her, then outside to the garden area for another potty break, by myself, or so I thought. I was letting her sniff around, not paying attention, when I found another tiny little snail, under a flower this time, so I gently put it on a leaf and picked it up, then stood there, admiring it, talking to it, ignoring everything around me until I heard someone crunch in the gravel as they approached and then a quiet voice asked, “Did you find another cute snail? How do you always find the cute little details other miss?”

I looked up and saw Joon’s face smiling as he got closer, then held out his hand for me to place the snail onto. I was very intentional this time, so I gave him the leaf, but stayed a full arm’s length away, not wanting to repeat the earlier awkwardness. He laughed, then commented on how this snail had a different colored shell and he liked the pattern he saw. I was curious, as I had not noticed the pattern, so I stepped closer, looking right at the snail, then gasped when I saw he details he had described. I looked up to confirm his findings but saw that I was now just as close as I had been earlier, only a few inches from his face, and immediately tried to step back. Unfortunately, I tripped on my doggie’s leash, started to fall backwards, but was rescued by Joon and ended up being trapped in his strong arms, as he asked if I was ok.

I just stared up at him as he frowned, concerned for my safety, wondering how much more embarrassing this situation could possibly get. Apparently, a lot because at that very moment my little doggie saw something and ran away, well, behind Joon, so her leash wound around his legs, then mine, until she ran out of leash and ended up tangled by my feet, both of us now unable to move, so close I could feel him breathing. He laughed and exclaimed, “I think your doggie has decided she wants to us to stop wasting time and has forced us to face our fears!” I had no idea what he was talking about, so I just blinked up at him, then waited for him to either continue or come up with a solution. He did neither, instead, leaned his forehead on mine and whispered, “I am sorry about earlier. I ran away without explaining anything and it wasn’t fair to you. I am sorry for being afraid of you. I can see now that avoiding you will not solve anything.”

I could barely breathe with him that close to me, which he noticed right away and chuckled to himself, then placed his cheek next to mine and commented, “I understand how you feel and need you to know I feel the same.” I was now so overwhelmed I could feel my surroundings start to spin, so I took a deep breath and whispered, “Joon, I don’t feel so great and I’m afraid if I fall, we’ll both get hurt.” He understood immediately, then carefully got himself untangled, while making sure I was safely in his arms, so I never hit the ground, and my little doggie was no longer twisted up in her leash.

He hugged me properly now, then explained, “Earlier, when you were explaining the snail and rock to me, you were so incredibly close, I could see every single detail of your face, and it was just too much for me to handle. I wanted to kiss you so badly in that moment, but I was unsure of how you would react, so I ran away instead of just telling you what I was thinking at the time. I am sorry for that, but I really needed to be sure of myself before I involved you. I heard what you were telling Kimchi earlier, so I know now that your intentions are pure, that you won’t risk our group for your own happiness, but I need you to try, for my sake, if you can.” I kept my head against his shoulder, definitely not ready to respond yet, which he seemed to understand, so for a few minutes it was just quiet, which gave me time to think and stay calm enough for me to eventually confirm, “So I think you and I can agree that somehow, someway, we are attracted to each other, but neither one of us wants to risk the group’s safety or reputation. How do you think we should handle this?”

He gently pushed me back until he was just standing in front of me, holding both of my hands now, then he said, “Let’s go inside and ask Yoongi. He always has great advice and considers all sides of the situation before sharing his opinion, plus, we both trust him.” I nodded, then followed him inside, bringing my little doggie with. We made it inside, then heard angry sounds from somewhere and hurried into the main recording area, me now carrying my little doggie because loud noises scare her. I saw Devon, next to Kimchi (Yoongi) and two more random men facing them, shouting angry things I could not understand. Joon seemed to know what they were saying, then whispered for me to stay behind him, find somewhere to hide, and keep my little doggie quiet until he came for me.

I quickly went back to the dance studio where I knew there were cabinets for their dance equipment and found one with enough room for me to sit in, then sat down with my little doggie and closed the door almost completely behind me. I could still hear the angry voices, but they were muffled now, so I waited patiently and kept my doggie happy so she would fall asleep. Suddenly, the yelling got extremely loud, and I saw everyone enter the dance studio, startling me and putting me on high alert. I could see Devon on the phone, but the two angry men were still yelling at Kimchi and Joon, motioning at the walls around them, while randomly throwing out English phrases like, “How can you betray our country?! How can you even think of working with a foreigner? How can you even consider being friends with a girl like her when she will betray you the first chance she gets?”

I suddenly realized they were talking about me, then got worried because I was not far away and if they found me, it sounded like they wanted to yell at me as well. Very soon after, four police officers showed up, the two men were escorted outside, then everyone disappeared, leaving me alone, in a silent dance studio. I was too afraid to leave the cabinet, and stayed hidden for what seemed like forever, but was actually only an hour, then Joon and Kimchi both came running in, calling my name, opening all the doors they could until they finally found me, sitting quietly, tears streaming down my cheeks, not making a sound, while shaking in terror.

Kimchi took my little doggie, then Joon helped me out and tried to hug me, but I refused, pushing him away and backing up until I hit the wall of mirrors, fear all over my face. Kimchi came and sat down in front of me, then motioned for Joon to do the same, so he did. “I imagine you are full of questions right now. I know you are scared. I am so proud of you for keeping yourself and your little doggie safe like Joon asked. If you allow us, we would like to explain what happened and let you decide what you want to do, ok?” Kimchi said, looking right at me, gently holding my doggie, and smiling at me. Joon nodded, holding his hands up towards me, palms facing me. I slid down the wall and sat in the corner, exhausted from the adrenaline that had been coursing through my veins for too long.

I did not speak, so Kimchi began, “We do not know those two men. We have never met them before in our lives. Somehow, they found out that we are Korean and recording music with you, an American, and apparently, they were mad about it. They do not know who we are and do not know we belong to BTS. The police said that they have been following local music studios for a while, verbally harassing anyone who records with Korean artists, which they believe is going against their traditions, even though they no longer live in Korea themselves. Devon has dealt with them before, so he knew exactly what to do, thank goodness. This is why we were very careful about not telling anyone where we were traveling to, or who we would be working with. We are sorry you had to hear the horrible things they were saying.” He spoke very calmly, helping me regulate my breathing, while I wiped my tears on my shirt sleeves, trying to get back to normal again.

Joon then added, “Nothing they said was true. We are not betraying our country. Korea is proud to have BTS working with artists around the world. We do not consider you, or anyone else, a foreigner. We consider all artist collaborations to be potential friendships. We are definitely not afraid to be friends with you. Yoongi and I know you are very kind and would never betray us, or the other members, for your own gain so please ignore their comments. I know it was scary during the time they were yelling, but if you let us, we would like to prove to you that we are still very interested in being friends and working with you on more songs.”

I just stayed in the corner, taking deep breaths, listening to them, not answering yet. Kimchi saw how I was trying to calm down, but could also see the fear still in my eyes, so he offered, “Would it make you feel better if we took a break from working and did something fun, so we can build your trust up again?” I shook my head, then Joon asked, “Would it help you to feel better if we focused solely on the music and continued our regular routine?” I nodded, so they looked at each other, whispered several things I could not understand, looked at me, then Kimchi stood up, still holding my little doggie, and said, “I am going to carry her to the music studio and bring up the next song I need help with. I will wait for you to join me.”

Then he walked from the room without another word, giving me the choice to follow or not. Joon watched me carefully, clearly planning his next move based on mine. I hesitated, not wanting to be anywhere near him at the moment, but also knowing Kimchi deserved my time and effort because he had done nothing wrong. I slowly stood up and walked out of the room, then practically ran to the studio, sat right next to Kimchi in one of the rolling chairs I hate, and whispered, “Do you think I am safe now?” He leaned over to hug me, then squeezed my hand and replied, “Yes, I absolutely do. Joon and I will make sure of it.” I bit my lip when he said Joon’s name, so Kimchi asked, “Are you afraid to be near Joon now because of what the angry men were yelling?” I nodded, fresh tears already forming in my eyes, so he patted my leg and assured me, “How about I keep you near me for a while and see if we can get some of your confidence back, ok? You know I will keep you safe, right?” I nodded, relief showing all over my face.

When Joon showed up, he gave some tiny pats my little doggie, who was resting in her bed where Kimchi had set her, then sat on the couch after Kimchi quickly said something to him in Korean. We tried working on another song, but I was so distracted, jumping at every single little sound, falling out of the chair three times, frowning every time I made a mistake, and wiping silent tears that continued to appear out of nowhere that Kimchi knew it was a lost cause and had to come up with an alternative. I was now sitting on the floor, afraid of the chairs and afraid of being anywhere near Joon, which Kimchi knew was not really safe or comfortable for me, when he accidentally pushed one of the chairs away from himself, rolling right over my left hand, crushing my fingers, and gashing the skin as they went over.

I didn’t even have any sounds, I just looked up at him, horror on my face, as he saw the blood begin to appear. Joon was across the room immediately, lifting me up and carrying me to the kitchen without a second thought. Kimchi grabbed my little doggie and followed right behind. Joon set me down in one of the chairs at the table, then laid my hand on the table, looking to see how bad it really was. Kimchi was apologizing repeatedly, but Joon told him to stop because it wasn’t useful, and he needed his help. They called for Devon, who knew exactly where the first aid kit was, then they began carefully checking to see what was actually damaged, since my whole hand was now covered in blood.

I don’t handle blood well at all, so I had my head down on the table, extremely pale, unable to speak or respond at this point, which was actually helpful because it made their job much easier. Kimchi and Joon both put gloves on to make sure they didn’t spread the blood anywhere while helping me.

They gently used wet paper towels to get the blood away and see how badly the fingers were hurt and luckily it didn’t seem too severe, so they cleaned each finger carefully, dried them, then used the bandages and gauze in the kit to completely cover all four of my fingers until my left hand looked like a mummy. After I was all cleaned up, they wiped the table with bleach wipes and tossed their gloves, washed with soap to make sure none had gotten onto them, then came back over to me and saw I had not moved. I was still super pale, head lying on the table, staring into space, which worried them. Joon lifted my other hand up, but when it fell right back onto my lap he turned to Kimchi and said something, clearly not wanting me to hear again. If I had been paying attention, I would have noticed that every time Joon or Kimchi wanted to talk about me, but not let me know, they used Korean and purposely left me out of their private conversation.

“Do you feel dizzy?” Kimchi asked me. I nodded. “Do you think food would help?” Joon asked. I shook my head. More talking between just them. “Do you want to lay down for a while?” I nodded. “Can you stand up?” I shrugged my shoulders, then lifted my head off the table and sat up, attempted to stand, caught my leg on the chair, began tumbling right into the floor, when Kimchi caught me and lifted me onto Joon’s back instead, where he carefully piggy-backed me right to the couch and helped me lay down. After he had gently dropped me onto the couch, he turned, now kneeling in front of me, where I reached for his hand with my good one and whispered, “Joon, I worry I will cause you harm if I get too close, but I need you near me, so what should I do?” He brushed a few stray hairs away from my face, leaned down and whispered back, “How about you let me worry about keeping you safe and you just worry about feeling better for now, ok?”